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<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nWhat Not to Say<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nHaving conversations with our teenagers about important issues can be really tough. It\u2019s easy for our teens to misunderstand us and often hard for them to see the big picture behind our intentions. Next thing we know, the conversation takes a bad turn. We know our teens. Their weak areas. Their vulnerable points. We know where their buttons are, and it would be easy to push them. But that would be a form of exasperating our kids, which violates a clear command God gives parents in Ephesians 6:4:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat does exasperating our kids look like?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n- Accusing them\u2014especially if we claim to know their motives when only God does.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Interrupting them without asking for permission first.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Acting annoyed or impatient with them as they talk.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Arguing or debating them as they try to explain themselves.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Laughing at them. This is especially lethal.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Using classic manipulating or controlling tactics, like guilting them into doing what we want them to do.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Finishing their statements rather than giving them the time to collect their thoughts.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Failing to hear them out, even though we\u2019re absolutely sure we know where they\u2019re going with their conversation.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Intimidating. Threatening. Using fear instead of love to get them in line.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
These are bully tactics\u2014every single one. If we exasperate our kids, we\u2019re following the enemy, not the Lord. <\/strong>Let\u2019s not make our enemy\u2019s job easy. We should speak the truth, but only in love.<\/p>\n\n\n\nConversation Killers: Have you ever used any of these?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nHere are some specific \u201cconversation killers,\u201d things we want to avoid saying when talking with our kids\u2014no matter how much we may feel like it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>\u201cWhen I was your age . . .\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nHere\u2019s the sad truth: For the most part, they don\u2019t care about our life as a teenager. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSomeday, when you have your own home, you can live any way you want. But while you live under my roof, you\u2019ll do it my way.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nOkay, it is very tempting to say this\u2014and our enemy hopes we do. We\u2019re the adults, and we\u2019ve got to be more together than to use an inflammatory, belittling statement like this one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don\u2019t care what you want\/think.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nBut we absolutely do <\/em>care what our teens think, right? We\u2019d do anything to rewind the clock somehow, to go back to when they adored us. A comment like this will absolutely push them further away.<\/p>\n\n\n\nAlso, this comment is a lie. We don\u2019t want our teens lying to us, so we shouldn\u2019t lie to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou always . . .\u201d or \u201cYou never . . .\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nThat\u2019s not completely true, is it? When we don\u2019t acknowledge that our teens do get it right sometimes<\/em>, that gives them less incentive to get it right ever<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t care what your friend\u2019s parents let them do.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nWe\u2019d better<\/em> care. These are the friends who may have more influence on our teenagers than we do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cThe Bible says . . . !\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nNow, of course we want to use the Word. It\u2019s the source of truth. It\u2019s also a massively powerful tool. We must be very careful of our tone when we bring Scripture into the discussion. We want to win their heart, not simply the argument. Of course we\u2019ll want to use Scripture. But we\u2019ll want to use it to show God\u2019s love for us\u2014and how he knows and wants what\u2019s best for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>\u201cYou\u2019ll do what I say because I said so \/ because I\u2019m the parent\/boss.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nStatements like these aren\u2019t going to lead us to anything good. They may be true, but they\u2019re bully talk. Seriously: This is parental bullying. And nobody thinks that what a bully does is good or right or fair. If we make statements like these, here\u2019s what our teens hear: \u201cI\u2019m more powerful than you\u2014and I hold all the cards. You\u2019ll do it my way or else.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nI\u2019ve seen many parents use these types of conversation killers\u2014and sometimes they got positive results. But only temporarily<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\nInstead, we want to help our teens grow into the kind of people God intended them to be. That will be easier to do if we avoid saying the things on this list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bridges are easy to destroy but hard to rebuild.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nReflection:<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\nParents of teens, do you find yourself speaking to your teens in these ways? How can you change how you converse with your teen to remove language that halts further conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n
What does exasperating our kids look like?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
- \n
- Accusing them\u2014especially if we claim to know their motives when only God does.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Interrupting them without asking for permission first.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Acting annoyed or impatient with them as they talk.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Arguing or debating them as they try to explain themselves.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Laughing at them. This is especially lethal.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Using classic manipulating or controlling tactics, like guilting them into doing what we want them to do.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Finishing their statements rather than giving them the time to collect their thoughts.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Failing to hear them out, even though we\u2019re absolutely sure we know where they\u2019re going with their conversation.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
- Intimidating. Threatening. Using fear instead of love to get them in line.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
These are bully tactics\u2014every single one. If we exasperate our kids, we\u2019re following the enemy, not the Lord. <\/strong>Let\u2019s not make our enemy\u2019s job easy. We should speak the truth, but only in love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Conversation Killers: Have you ever used any of these?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Here are some specific \u201cconversation killers,\u201d things we want to avoid saying when talking with our kids\u2014no matter how much we may feel like it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>\u201cWhen I was your age . . .\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s the sad truth: For the most part, they don\u2019t care about our life as a teenager. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSomeday, when you have your own home, you can live any way you want. But while you live under my roof, you\u2019ll do it my way.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, it is very tempting to say this\u2014and our enemy hopes we do. We\u2019re the adults, and we\u2019ve got to be more together than to use an inflammatory, belittling statement like this one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don\u2019t care what you want\/think.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
But we absolutely do <\/em>care what our teens think, right? We\u2019d do anything to rewind the clock somehow, to go back to when they adored us. A comment like this will absolutely push them further away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Also, this comment is a lie. We don\u2019t want our teens lying to us, so we shouldn\u2019t lie to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou always . . .\u201d or \u201cYou never . . .\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s not completely true, is it? When we don\u2019t acknowledge that our teens do get it right sometimes<\/em>, that gives them less incentive to get it right ever<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don\u2019t care what your friend\u2019s parents let them do.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
We\u2019d better<\/em> care. These are the friends who may have more influence on our teenagers than we do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe Bible says . . . !\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, of course we want to use the Word. It\u2019s the source of truth. It\u2019s also a massively powerful tool. We must be very careful of our tone when we bring Scripture into the discussion. We want to win their heart, not simply the argument. Of course we\u2019ll want to use Scripture. But we\u2019ll want to use it to show God\u2019s love for us\u2014and how he knows and wants what\u2019s best for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/em>\u201cYou\u2019ll do what I say because I said so \/ because I\u2019m the parent\/boss.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Statements like these aren\u2019t going to lead us to anything good. They may be true, but they\u2019re bully talk. Seriously: This is parental bullying. And nobody thinks that what a bully does is good or right or fair. If we make statements like these, here\u2019s what our teens hear: \u201cI\u2019m more powerful than you\u2014and I hold all the cards. You\u2019ll do it my way or else.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve seen many parents use these types of conversation killers\u2014and sometimes they got positive results. But only temporarily<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead, we want to help our teens grow into the kind of people God intended them to be. That will be easier to do if we avoid saying the things on this list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bridges are easy to destroy but hard to rebuild.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Reflection:<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Parents of teens, do you find yourself speaking to your teens in these ways? How can you change how you converse with your teen to remove language that halts further conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n
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